Goodbye (Redacted3)

XIV.

My final straw was days before winter break 

when my hands clenched my heart 

through my chest, and I wondered if 

maybe       I should squeeze 

              harder 

to stop it from 

beating.

XII.

I cared about you a lot, too much.

I would’ve waited for the day we’d stay friends, but I was wrong. 

To love you meant to let go and remove you. 

I.

It’d be so fun, 

a dirty little secret.

whisper and tiptoe around the house as if it were fun

When the lights turned off in her room, 

we’d sneak out, walking across the floor 

like rats finding cheese– 

VIII.

–you were my cheddar. 

And now I’m left sitting in my room 

with no dairy.

XI.

I’m not a rat; I have to remind myself

as my snout morphs back to my nose, and I remember 

that I can take control of my life.

VII.

You held me, and it felt like footsteps 

in wet sand. Your drenched shorts dripped 

the ocean’s remnant down your thighs, 

keeping the soles of your feet clammy. But–

X.

–then, the sun came out, and you no longer kept my sand wet.

XVII.

Thank you for leaving me; I have learned to love myself 

because of it

Thank you for leaving,       may you continue to alter 

my brain chemistry and force me to become 

better than before.

XVI. My fingers clenched the carpet,

You have no idea how much you broke me. the uncontrollable sobbing

         had my body rocking

XV. back and forth.

I can’t do this anymore; I’ll Did you ever wonder

lose my mind  about my rug-burned hands or

if I keep you close.       the canal in my cheeks

that my tears carved out?

IV.

When I 

compared 

your actions to my father’s, 

I felt like I finally 

figured out why 

your words hurt me so much. 

V.

You threw it back in my face, 

shaming me for 

comparing you to my 

father 

when I felt like I had a moment of 

eureka.

IX.

Yet,

when you told me 

I reminded you of your mother 

when I asked to be heard, and held in your arms,

I didn’t shame you.

Why couldn’t

    you

treat me the same.